The Thing
by LostinOblivion
Summary: The team learns a bit too much about the love life of our two favorite negotiators.


Matt and Emily walked into her apartment at 8:30, sweaty, exhausted and still revved up on adrenaline after a long negotiation. After he locked up, Matt ran to catch up to Emily who was already halfway to the bathroom and down to her underwear, the rest of her garments scattered around her apartment. He caught up just as she entered the bathroom, dropping her lacy black bra outside before entering. He could see her smile even before he got near to her, she knew exactly what she was doing to him.

Matt wasted no time stripping down as Emily turned the shower on full blast, to a hot warm. Feeling it with her hand to make sure it was too hot, Emily hopped in as Matt tossed her shirt to the floor, unknowingly flicking the small switch on the lapel mic still attached to his shirt. Once inside the couple wasted no time, the kisses began hot, heavy and deep, serving as all the foreplay they really needed. Long and sweet, their eagerness could be heard over the shower that sprayed over their backs and heads.

Meanwhile, that little mic Matt accidentally turned on moments before brought the speakers in the Intelligence Analysis office to life. An office that held one analyst and two HRT agents, chatting easily about the days negotiation. What they heard first was the spray of the shower, and immediately the trio was focused on the sounds they heard.

Then there was a subtle change to the spray as bodies went in, and the sounds of light laughter.

"Oh holy shit, what is that?" Frank asked eagerly.

"Uh, I don't know," Lia stuttered in shock.

Soon the sounds of passionate kisses filled the airwaves, followed quickly by moaning.

"Oh god, where is that coming from?" Lia asked appalled, it sounded like porn!

"I don't know man, but that's awesome." Duff commented as eager as Frank.

"What do you have this connected to Lia?" Frank asked her.

"Uh, Matt's mic when he went to exchange himself for the hostages," Lia commented, her eyes going wide.

"Oh man, that's gotta be Matt and Emily then," he said with a chuckle, a fact which soon confirmed itself.

"_Oh my god!" Emily's voice crackled into the office._

"_What?" Matt's alarmed voice joined in._

"_That thing is huge!"_

"_What thing?"_

"_That, there!" _

Frank and Duff were bent over in laughter, and Lia was staring at her speaker mortified when Cheryl walked in.

"What's going on in here?"

"_Jesus it's enormous!" Emily's voice broke in before any of the trio could, and Frank quickly leaned over and turned it down._

"Was that Emily's voice?" Cheryl asked, now completely confused.

"Yep, that was Flannery and Lehman going at in the shower," Frank said, not even bothering to contain his laughter.

"What?!" Now it was Cheryl's turn to be mortified.

"They must have accidentally flipped the mic switch on or something, it just started up, oh my god, we need to turn it off," Lia rambled out, her eyes growing even wider.

"No way Lia, this is way too much fun!" Frank insisted.

"Frank that's a giant invasion of privacy," Cheryl scolded him.

"Hey he's the idiot that left the thing on or whatever," he argued.

"Yeah, and they're your friends, they'll be humiliated."

They were interrupted by a cry heard, even with the low volume.

"_Oh! Oh!"_ _Emily yelped. _Frank turned it back up.

"_Would you stay still a minute!" Matt pleaded._

"_You expect me to stay still when that huge thing is coming at me?"_

"_Just for a minute, so I can take care of it." _

Eyebrows shot up, eyes widened, and jaws dropped, as four people stared, entranced by the speakers.

"We really need to turn this off," Cheryl said weakly.

"No way in hell." Frank barked back.

"_Oh god it's coming closer!"_

"_Would you relax?" Matt begged._

"_Throw something at it! Hit it with something!"_

"_I'm trying alright!"_

The four were now completely confused.

"So I'm guessing that huge thing isn't what we all thought it was?" Duff asked the question they all wondered.

"I should hope not, or poor Matt," Lia commented.

"_Oh kill it, kill it!"_

"_That's what I'm doing Emily!" Then there was a thud._

"_Damn, I didn't get it. Oh shit, it looks pissed!" Matt now sounded concerned._

"_How the hell can you tell, it's face and ass look the same!"_

"_I assume it's face is what's coming toward us at lightening speed. Shit, move, move, move! Get out of here!"_

"_Oh the big, tough, FBI man is afraid of it now?" Emily asked sarcastically._

"_Yeah, what happened to the tough FBI woman who didn't need my protection?" He asked equally sarcastic._

"_That only applies in the field," she shot back._

"_Whoa, damn it's following us!" Matt yelp incredulously._

"_Oh to hell with this, I'm getting my gun!" They heard stomping away, and the chatter stopped for the moment._

"She's what!" Cheryl demanded.

"What the hell are they battling in there?" Frank demanded.

"She can't use her gun on…whatever that is! She has to account for all her bullets!"

"You think that'll stop her?" Frank asked with a smile.

"_Emily, you can't shoot it!"_

"_It's gunning for us, it's self defense!"_

"_Do you really want to have to explain this to Cheryl?"_

"_You have a better idea?"_

"_Yeah, just a minute." More stomping away, but the voices returned quickly._

"_Deviant Psychology: Behavior and Thought Patterns in Society's Delinquents. This is the biggest book you own." Matt's voice came back._

"_You're going to kill it with my old textbook?"_

"_This massive book could probably kill a person, I think it will squash a spider fine."_

"_Go for it." She told him, before they heard another giant thud, followed by several more._

"Uh Matt, I think it's dead." Emily watched as Matt continued slamming the book on the dead creature.

"Just making sure, could be Freddy Krueger's spawn. You never know." He scooped up the sticky, gooey corpse and tossed it in the trash.

"Sure Superman, you saved the girl. Now you want to continue where we left off?" Her voice went from sarcastic to suggestive in all of two minutes, as she began backing out of the bathroom.

"Oh yes…" He said, his arms out as he came toward her, ready to wrap them around her.

She backed up before he could, "Don't touch me till you wash the dead spider off your hands," she warned.

As Matt went to wash his hands, the phone rang, and wrapping a sheet around her still naked body, Emily grabbed it off the hook.

"Lehman."

"Emily, it's Cheryl."

"Oh god, don't tell me we have to come in, we just got done with one," Emily said aggravated.

"Oh don't worry, it's not about work, and I know you have…other things to do."

"Oh, what's up?"

"Well, that little thing still attached to Matt's shirt got switched on, so before you two continue where you left off, you might want to switch it back off."

"Oh god, you guys just heard everything?" Emily's eyes widened, face reddened, and mouth fell open slightly.

"Enough to know that that 'huge thing' isn't what we thought it was."

"Oh my god. Who else heard?"

"Lia, and Frank and Duff."

"Oh no, no, no, and you all listened to the whole thing!"

"We were going to turn it off, but then we heard you shrieking about some 'huge thing' and well, it was just too interesting to turn off." Cheryl felt bad, but continue hide her amusement.

"Oh my god. Oh my god."

"Relax Emily, I've already told the guys if they relay what they heard to anyone that I would call them in every Sunday for the next two years. And Lia and I won't say anything. Just make sure you turn that thing off."

"Going to do that now." She hung up very quickly, laying her head in her hands.

"Who was that?" Matt asked coming out of the bathroom.

"Cheryl." Emily commented, walking past him, and motioning him to follow. Once in the bathroom she picked up his shirt and flicked the microphone off, as he watched.

Matt's eye widened and his mouth moved to ask a question, but no sound came out.

"Yes, they heard everything."

* * *

This was born after I was forced to swash a spider (which I am deathly afraid of) in my shower, armed only with my body wash. Of course this was a tiny spider, and I unfortunately had no company in my shower, but at least an amusing little story was born from it. Hope you all enjoyed, and as always thank you to all my readers and reviews make the world go round.

And for those of you reading Shades, had to detour from the angst for a bit, the next part will be up in the next couple days.


End file.
